I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
