He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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