the condom got lost in my hair
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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