dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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