Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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