Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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