I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
