Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
