she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
