a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
