In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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