Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
