Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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