I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
