There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
