Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
