Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
