I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
