After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
