Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
