You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
