Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
