wanna go halves on a baby?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
