im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
