The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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