I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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