don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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