i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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