Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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