mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
