I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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