Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
