Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
