phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
