Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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