That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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