Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
