any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need to sanitize my soul.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
