i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
