I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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