is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
