Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Randomize
