I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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