my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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