8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
