Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It's just like the Real World with babies
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
