Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
