I skipped work to stalk him.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
