I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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