god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
