I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
