yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
