this boner is exhausting
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
