The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
