lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
