her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have feelings that need drinking.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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