so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
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Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
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How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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