I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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