I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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