would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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