the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
