We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
