Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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